Monday, November 28, 2016

Offer What You Want But Don't Ever Say I Didn't Die For You

      Once upon a time it was brought to my attention that sometimes it's necessary to crucify yourself for your art, not just as a selfish act so that your end product is more desirable, but as a sacrifice for whomever may find the story you've told and need it as badly as you have needed the stories told by others. You can never anticipate that the material you dredge up from the murkiest sediment layers of yourself will be of value to anyone else. But you can hope that someday your expression will be the embodiment of a statement that has become such an important part of my life: "through our bleeding we are one" this is at the core of why I don't give up my music project. (My song Hiroshima Maiden ) 
        To get this far I have had to deal with every imaginable obstacle. I have hired people who told me I could count on them to deliver a service and that they believed in my ability to tell my story only for them to laugh in my face, talk behind my back, and waste my time and money. I have dealt with studios not wanting to book me because I'm not cool enough for them. I have had numerous people tell me to give up and that my project will never be worth anything because I'm a girl, I'm fat, or I'm not what fits in our "local scene." And much laughter. I live in a small place where minds are even smaller, so I experience the local rock bros who fancy themselves big fishes in this little pond recognize me as "that stupid girl trying to make rock music, how does SHE think she'll ever have a band Lolololololol!!!" They all talk and laugh because they don't have anything better to do besides wear the same pants every other dude is wearing. They can't even perceive that there is a wider variety of music in the world than what is in their little bubble. They also can't perceive that maybe what I'm doing isn't any of their business if they aren't interested in it. 
         Still, I persist. This isn't about them, or their opinions, or their laughter. So I keep pressing on going to work to recover money lost to those who didn't deliver and pouring my effort into making sure that I am on top of things when the one studio that has gotten things done for once can get me in because no one else better was available to book the time. It's been a lonely, frustrating, process, but I will complete it and keep making what I want to make whatever it takes. 
         "Contribution without expectation" is another mantra I keep in my mind. All artists are inspired and catalyzed by other artists and I'm no exception. It's in all of our wildest dreams that the artists that have inspired us would somehow hear or see the work that we have made using the creative DNA passed down to us. What happens when our efforts are rejected or not valued by those we admire so much? We still tell our story because if your heart is in the right place your goal is contribution without expectation. 
         I recently saw Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them and an aspect of the story struck me as extremely relative to my artistic journey. A non magical man named Jacob gets swept up in an amazing and important adventure when he meets some wizards. In the end Jacob has been an integral part of the story but must be obliviated (have his memory wiped). Well, I have met some magical people before and had incredible, sacred experiences because of them. They helped me to see that maybe I'm magical too, but maybe I was wrong and I'm more like Jacob from the movie. The thought that I may have misrepresented how sacred and important I hold these experiences for any reason makes me think that maybe I deserve to be obliviated. But this isn't the Harry Potter universe and we are all humans. I have flaws, I make mistakes, Sometimes I fail to communicate the importance of things, but that doesn't change how important they are. Even though I may do or say stupid things my art comes from a pure place. 
         "Through our bleeding we are one" is still incredibly sacred to me. If I have somehow through my own stupidity smudged that idea, I'll never forgive myself. But I will keep telling my story because as a human I will let you down despite my best intentions, but expression is pure. Art is my resurrection. It has been there for me through my darkest times and my brightest times. So, in hopes that any un-intentional smudges I may have caused on sacredness may be forgiven I offer my cover of Crystal Days by Echo And The Bunnymen. It explains so well the way artists have effected me in my life. A Crystal Offering:

No comments:

Post a Comment