Saturday, May 21, 2016

Of Mic Drops and Narcolepsy Through the Lens of Six Months to Live

      Digging this blog up again. The last time I brought it back was in 2012. That lasted until about 5 seconds later in 2012. 2012 to 2016. 4 years? 4 seconds? 4 breaths? 4 blinks? 1 high school career. 1 bachelors degree. Too much water under the bridge. Too much time gone by. Whatever, I can't go backwards. I can only go forward. So here I go.
      I've been known to refer to the arts as a great conversation. Everyone who creates is questioning, and answering. In turn they get answered and questioned. I believe this is one of the most beautiful and spiritual aspects of being creative. This is the bottom line as to why I come back to things like this blog over and over hopefully making a more authentic attempt at creating a part of that conversation each time.
       This particular "hey I'm blogging again" entry isn't like the last one where I was like "so basically my whole life got lazy eye on me and I can't exactly explain where I wandered off to, blah, blah...." The past four years have been one rough ride. Four years should bring you to new places artistically and personally, but I have been brought to a brand new universe. On a journey like that you learn a few things and I find some of those things relevant to mention here.
        First: the most valuable thing someone can give you in all of existence is belief. Every time you believe in something you give it a little piece of your will. You make that thing or that person more real. If you are lucky enough to have someone give you their belief, you are doing something terrible if you don't take it seriously, or if you deny it. Prior to my understanding of this concept I couldn't understand why anyone would ever believe in me, therefore disregarding the belief that was given to me even though I couldn't bring myself to see it.
         Second: If you have a story in you that is pressing to get out, it is selfish of you to consider yourself an owner of that story rather than a vessel of it. I have gotten super mystical about this stuff and I know that sounds weird to some people, but I believe in an energy that connects us all even if it is just something that can be explained through psychology. That energy prompting you to tell your universal truth isn't going to go away because you are scared to tell the real story.
        Third: You can't separate the artistic from the personal. When I started blogging the very first time it was on Myspace and I pretty much let myself go about anything. I used it as an outlet because I thought no one was watching. Well, that's kind of a fallacy to begin with because as a person who wasn't born yesterday I knew every time I took to the keyboard that I was typing into an immense public forum. I think there was a romanticism to the idea that a few random people in the expanse might stumble across what I had said and somehow I would be a tiny bit less alone in the world, BUT I wouldn't have to really know about it. Like connecting through a veil.  I learned that the veil was short lived. Over time more people than I ever imagined actually read what I had to say. When that got to be a little hard for me to take, I responded by creating this blog with the intention of keeping it mostly about the theory and technique behind my creative adventures and separating anything personal from that communication. That was bullshit! At that point I was cutting off that energy that I was supposed to be a vessel of and diluting any truth that could be present in my work. So, I'm removing that separation. As a result it may get messy, I may write about things I haven't figured out all the way yet.
        Finally: You can't make something happen by writing about it. You have to make something happen and then write about it. A theme that you will see in my coming posts about my current projects is breaking free from a theoretical or fantastical existence and finding an actual real existence. If you follow what I've been doing over the past year than you know that I have been pretty quiet about things because I never want to say things without actions to back it up ever again. That goes back to the first thing I mentioned about belief. I take your belief in me very seriously and I want to honor it with solid action. You deserve that.
        All of that being said the past four years have not been empty. There are plenty of actions to say things about here. One of the biggest things that has defined this time was my partner's battle with stage 4 cancer. We were told that she would absolutely not make it, and they strongly suggestion hospice over treatment. We chose treatment anyway, and against all odds she is currently cancer free. The way we lived and how we chose to face our fears during that time has really inspired how we do things now. It inspired me to not accept how my various broken pieces have defined me. It made me really want to push through my own emotional cancer and come out a survivor against all the odds. 

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